• Dan Bilzerian Wikipedia
• What Kind Of Cat Does Dan Bilzerian Have
• What Kind Of Cat Does Dan Bilzerian Have
• Dan Bilzerian Father
• How Did Dan Bilzerian Get His Money

Ready To Take You Wherever You Want. As Long As You're Hot. This is one airplane that doesn't. Dan Bilzerian’s Company Lost $50 Million in One Year. Dan Bilzerian is also a business and owns a couple of companies. He is the owner and CEO of Ignite International Brands Ltd. The company specializes in selling electronic cigarettes, vodka, water bottles, and cannabis oil. The company is headquartered in Canada and began trading in January.

Dear Reader,

Over the past few weeks, my father, Dan Bilzerian, has sauntered his way into the national spotlight by throwing a porn star into a pool and breaking her paw, er, foot, in the process. He has been described as a playboy, an 'Instagram millionaire,' and a poker champ, but these descriptors fail to capture his proudest achievement — me. Dan is, most importantly, my father. Who am I? Smushball, his Persian cat, and the light of his life.

While the women in his Instagram photos change on a daily basis, I have been a mainstay on his feed and in his life since I was first brought into his world four months ago. And I want you all to know that regardless of Dan's faults, he is an impeccable kitty daddy.

While most cats seem to think of themselves as princesses, I can assure you that no feline royalty can compare to the extravagance of my lazy existence. I am showered with love, tiny kitten shirts, and women's breasts on a daily basis. And as grateful as I am to Dan for my blessed life, I do have a slight complaint that I would like to take this opportunity to address.

Just because I am cute does not mean that I do not have feelings or a brain. And it certainly does not mean that Dan can speak for me by way of Instagram captions. For the past four months, Dan has told the story of my life through hashtags, and I do not feel that he has done me justice. For the record, I am a proud supporter of Hillary Clinton for 2016, a brave soul, and a complicated cat. So here I am to give you a bit of background on all my photos, and introduce you to the kitten behind the Instagram.

Meow.

Let us start at the beginning.

This was my first day with Daddy Dan. He was clearly happier than I was at the time of the photograph. This was likely because I had never seen such a giant, bearded, human-man in my life. How would you like to be placed on top of a mountain of flesh and be told to pose?

But I soon warmed up to Dan. After all, look how happy he looks to have me!

Dan conveniently neglected to mention why I looked so surprised. It was the first time I saw his gun collection. It was scary. See for yourself.

Soon thereafter, I fell asleep after an exhausting 10 minutes chasing one of Dan's poker chips around the house. He took this opportunity to take a lot of creepy pictures of me sleeping. For the record, if humans don't like having their pictures taken while napping, what makes you think cats enjoy it?

Dan Bilzerian Wikipedia

I was quickly made aware that I was not the only woman in Dan's life, and was introduced to the hoards of women who parade in and out of the house and boats on a daily basis. This is my disapproving glare for Dan's penchant for objectifying women. I do not appreciate his hypersexualization of my human counterparts. But then again, he gave me a $500 shirt as a blanket, so who am I to complain? I'm just a cat.

A little while later, I underwent a very scary surgery that left me with only three legs. But not to fear, I am just as much of a fireball as I was before. Of course, while having only three legs will not slow me down, having to wade through this absurdly thick carpet was a struggle. Seriously, Dan, what is this? Why is there only one strip of it? And what kind of bugs are hiding in these fibers for me to chase?

Ok you caught me, there's no story behind this next photo. I just wanted you to see how cute I am.

As I grew older and wiser, I developed more concrete opinions on the world, and became an angsty preteen cat, as all cats are wont to do. About three months ago, I awoke with an epiphany: my life will forever be inundated by large breasts and large guns. It was an unhappy realization.

See what I mean? Large guns.

Following this realization, I decided to do what most preteens do when they have a major identity crisis: I got a new haircut. To compensate for my small size and generally unimposing features, I decided to make myself look as much like my favorite cousin as I could — I left 'Smushball' behind for 'Simbaball.' Dan agreed to shave me to look like a little lion.

Don't I look more intimidating already?

And for awhile, things were going really well. Daddy was still enjoying life, but that's his business, and no one was getting hurt. But then, last month, he hurled Janice Griffith off a roof and into a pool. And while I'm not one to judge, I can't always control my facial expressions. First came surprise.

Then came exasperation.

Then I just wanted to shut the world out.

And I was pretty successful until daddy's lawyer sent that awful letter to poor Janice. Then I made this face on her behalf.

What Kind Of Cat Does Dan Bilzerian Have

But at the end of the day, I still love Dan. He's been wonderful to me, and has certainly never thrown me into a pool. Life for me is just a bunch of pillows and blankets, and I intend to keep it that way.

Lazily yours,

Smushball Bilzerian

Photos via Smushball/Instagram

What Kind Of Cat Does Dan Bilzerian Have

Hello, humans — it has been quite some time since our last correspondence, and I am sorry to report that my coveted position as Dan Bilzerian's only princess cat is now in jeopardy. You see, Dan and my mother of sorts, Andreea, have found another feline that they claim was meant to keep me company. But I am older and wiser, and know that Dan Bilzerian's new cat, Penelope, is vying for my crown. But fret not, humans, despite having only three legs, I'm the scrappiest Persian dollface you'll ever encounter, and no cat, four-legged or otherwise, is going to take me down without a fight. Or a tussle of absolute, almost unbearable cuteness, as you seem to perceive it.

I first met Penelope (a much less unique and invigorating name than mine, wouldn't you agree?) three days ago, when she was unceremoniously tossed into my favorite spot on the bed. Andreea was already calling her 'family,' which is confusing to me because I don't remember ever agreeing to a sibling. Humans are incredibly selfish, as you may well know, and I don't take kindly to this obvious lack of consideration, which is why our first photograph together makes me look a bit, well, scary.

Dan Bilzerian Father

Rawr.

There may be room for approximately 2,390 women in Dan Bilzerian's life, but there is room for only cat, and it's name is me. I mean Smushball. The original.

Andreea, of course, has not quite gotten the message, and instead asked how best to socialize me with my new 'sister.' News flash, mom, there will be no socializing in this house, especially not when the newbie thinks it's even remotely acceptable to infringe upon my personal space. And let's be honest, everything is considered my personal space.

In what I can only assume was an effort to confuse me, Dan and Andreea then proceeded to give Penelope the same lion's haircut that I popularized, you know, last year. If they thought this would trick me into believing that I was only looking at my reflection when I looked at Penelope, I want to take this opportunity to tell the world that they were woefully mistaken. I know my perfect face when I see it, and that mug isn't it.

How Did Dan Bilzerian Get His Money

Of course, the humans, in the naivete that is so typical of their species, believe that I am already 'best friends' with Penelope, and that I am generous enough to share my electronics with her. But do not be fooled. This is just the facade I put up to garner more treats and attention.

To be fair, though, it was getting just a tiny bit lonely being the only cat in such a big house. And there is such a thing as too much attention, you know. I tried to channel my inner Grumpy Cat to express my malcontent to Dan and Andreea, but they don't always understand me as well as my kind do.

So Penelope, you're on my watch list, but behave yourself well enough, and you may just be able to share my throne. Well, not entirely share it, but sit slightly below me, as the world should be.

Images: smushball, _andreeacristina/Instagram